Friday, October 31, 2014

Miss You Papa

Yet another day has passed. Looking at any random bill, photo, newspaper or anything dated, my first sight jumps to the Date, starting to think about the time then. Whether you were with us or it was just an another day after you had left us. If it is a date few days ahead of your last day with us, my heart would fill with self pity that I'd not even imagined then that you would leave us behind so suddenly.

I have started to smile, eat, sleep, work and live my life again. I cannot choose to cry each time I miss you, others might feel I am not strong enough. I am not supposed to be surrounded by people always, they might feel I am weak, your daughter is weak. I have to stand strong, at least I have to pretend to look like one. A small moment of joy will suddenly pinch me from within and remind me of your smile, your laughter and our good times. I do miss you when it comes to eating, you loved food. I wake up with your thoughts during mid-nights and look around if magically you would come to existence just for a while and talk to me, look at me, smile at me.. To be honest, work is the only way to push the time. I do not enjoy idleness any more. It makes me miss you; reminds me of your last moments of struggle at the hospital; makes me think hard of what would have crossed your mind then, your last thoughts, your last words, our last phone call and afterwards about Ma and somehow the time stops moving ahead. I still talk to you when no one is listening..Do you still listen to me ? can you? Is it possible? Is your soul around me?

I was proud, when I listen to people talking about you. How generously you touched many people's lives, how much you used to talk about me and Manu, how much excited you used to be for our accomplishments, to meet us. Many of them said one thing in common which will last with me till I die, that "Your father has lived a king's life and you kids were his biggest passion. He was crazy for both of you."

2 days back I saw a handicapped and old beggar on road, I felt content with the thought that at least you did not have to suffer old age. You were laughing and talking to people in your last 2 days and you will be healthy and happy in heaven. The next moment I was hurt with a thought that could you be happy without us? If no, who made you go, where are you, what would you do now?..and if yes, did you forget us? Please don't! Tears came streaming down my face. The dark shadow of the vehicle I was sitting in, let me just be myself.

Things are never going to be same again. The way I have started worrying about people close to me, is very different already. We will miss you in everything. There are many times yet to come, which are going to be totally incomplete without you..when I wanted to be happy seeing the glitter in your eyes, when I wanted you to stand next to me..who would make them special you used to do? Your overprotective and overzealous love for us, cannot be fulfilled by whole universe's love brought together. It was purest, it was still is there, I would prefer to believe so. Because thinking the other way makes me weak. I want to believe that you are around me..always!

I miss you Papa, badly, very very badly..


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